How to Effectively Return Harmony to Any Interaction and Relationship: #3 Autonomy

Have you ever felt bulldozed into something, or felt disregarded when a decision was made?

It doesn’t feel nice because your need for autonomy was disregarded. We all have a core need to feel that we have the freedom to not only make decisions but also affect decision-making.

When someone’s need for autonomy is not sufficiently fulfilled, they’re likely to feel upset.

People can get worked up about even the most trivial things. Usually, this has less to do with the decision made than about the fact that they were not consulted on the decision.

They didn’t have the opportunity to participate in the decision-making process — they were unable to affect the decision.

Autonomy Is a Balancing Act

We’re taught that assertiveness is a desirable trait.

So, you take charge and make decisions (and feel good because your autonomy cup is full). However, the downside is that you may be impinging on someone else’s autonomy. When the balance of autonomy in the relationship or interaction is off, it results in irritation, anger, or resentment.

Autonomy must be carefully and intentionally managed, otherwise we elicit negative emotions in ourselves or others.

Two Obstacles to Autonomy and What to Do About It

1. We limit our autonomy when we don’t realize the many ways we can express it, thereby feeling powerless to affect change or influence others. Make recommendations. Brainstorm options and offer them as input. (The other person may very well have the same obstacle, so invite them to do the same.)

2. We encroach on others’ autonomy by neglecting to include them in the decision-making process. They get upset not by the content of the decision, but by how it came to be. By consulting before deciding you help people feel they have a say in the matter, which satisfies their need for autonomy.

Whenever unresourceful emotions arise, check autonomy — others’ and yours.

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